Once upon a time, there was a table named Tim. Tim the Table could hold anything.  He held dishes, food, papers, books, dead penguins, wigs, tissues, fingernails, and sometimes large badgers, all at different times.  One day, Tim the Table met Clarence the Chair.  Clarence told Tim that he held peoples' hindquarters.  Now Tim was very sad because he had never held a person before.  So Tim decided that if normal people wouldn't sit on him, he would make his own person that would be his slave.  Tim immediately set to work gathering the materials he would need:  DNA, body parts, chlorophyll, twinkies, needles, hammers, staples, and duct tape.  Then Tim made his slave-person.  It was a very ugly person.  It had four arms and no legs, and its head looked like a banana.  Tim named his slave-person Percival.  Percival was very sad because he had scanty attractive qualities, so he tried to use a grocery bag from Tim's closet to put over his head.   Tim caught Percival trying to steal from his private supply of ugly-covers, and Tim ordered him to sit on him.  Percival got very very angry at Tim and took an axe from the garage and chopped Tim into firewood.  Then, Percival and Clarence the chair ran away and got married and used chopped-up Tim the Table for a romantic bonfire, but they got too close and burned to death.